Mom Says its time to eat better or else
The following statements may or may not pertain to you. Some of the following statements may be true or might seem true. If none of the statements have anything to do with you, then congratulations. Some others might feel you have heard them all. You are probably right!
Your mother has asked me to speak with you. Remember dear old mom? The one who brought you into this world. The one who cleaned up after you? The one who let you keep all the stray dogs, including the one who bit the postman? Mom even let you come home from college and she did all your laundry because you had to be with friends and party all night. And did mom ever complain. What do you think? Moms do not complain. Mom even tracked down that S.O.B who got the promotion instead of you and explained to the S.O.B. why he needed to hand the promotion over to you. And when the S.O.B threatened to call the police, mom broke the S.O.B.’s right arm. And remember when mom called from the police station to tell you she was going to be late because of a little misunderstanding between some S.O.B and herself? And mom added that she was okay and not for you to worry and yes it was okay if you still went out partying with your friends.
Johnny, Mom also wants you to remember the trailer trash slut you insisted on marrying. She was the one with the brain the size of a pea and the breasts the size of nice firm melons! Mom does not want you to dwell on the idea that she said the marriage would never work. Did you listen? Hell no! And do you remember when that slut left you for the priest? Do you remember what the slut said about your mmmm? How she compared your mmmm to a pencil eraser on a number 2 pencil? Do you recall what the priest said about your relationship with the slut during his Sunday sermon and how everyone in the congregation turned and stared at you? Do you remember how you came home and mom cleared out your old room and you stayed with mom for three more years?
And missy, you don’t get off Scot-free either. Mom said you would remember the time you fell in love with one of the neighbors. But he was married. You said you loved him. Mom knew better. You said he was going to leave his wife for you. Did you listen to mom? Did you listen to any of the neighbors? Hell no. You were so caught up with your damn hormones, you could not think clearly. And do you remember what happened when he told you that sex with you was just okay. And that yes he was leaving his wife but he was going to shack up with a guy he met at a dance. But mom was there for you, with her arms open and your old room, just like you had left it. And you stayed with mom until you joined the traveling circus to see the rest of the country. But all the really good jobs were taken so you settled for shit removal. But shoveling shit just did not have any future. And there was just so much shit.
But now mom wants to call in her markers, Johnny, and Missy. She thinks its time for you to do something for yourself or a loved one or a hated one. She wants you to do something for her because you love her. You do love her, don’t you? She said you would feel guilty about this time and guess what, you are!
She wants you to get on the scale in your bathroom. But first she wants you to put batteries in the scale. Then she wants you to stand on the scale without any of your high priced clothes on and she wants you to weigh yourself. And she does not want to hear any screaming from you. She wants you to be grown up about it. Then she wants you to stand naked in front of the mirror and take a long hard look at what you have become. She wants you to stand normally and not suck in your gut like you are trying to impress anyone. Face the music were her words. Stand facing the mirror and then turn left and right. And see the slop you have become. And if you don’t have a clue as to why I am telling you this or you don’t have a mother who cares enough about you, then you need to call your mother right now and ask her why she is not bitching at you like some mothers do?
Now that I have thoroughly grossed yourself out, you mother says good! Yes she did say that. She said you would turn up the corner of your mouth when I said that she said good. And too bad I don’t have a camera because that corner of your mouth is up. You don’t believe me? Look here in this mirror I have in my pocket. Yes, it is the same mirror your mother had in her purse. And no I did not steal it. Your mother gave me the mirror. Look here, I have the receipt. There, does that make you feel better? Your mother said you would ask me about the mirror and that you would want me to show proof. She said you are too serious and something about getting a life. I could have it wrong but you could call her and ask her.
Your mother has a proposition for you. Do you remember hearing about the big lottery jackpot last month? And how no one has come forward to admit they won it? Yes, your mom is the winner. No, she is not on drugs. Instead of paying the mortgage last month, she bought a ton of tickets. And, yes two of them were winners. She won 550 million dollars. She took a little something out for herself, paid off the mortgage, and put the rest into a special account for you and your sister. There is just one little stipulation about how you guys will get the money. She wants you guys to turn your lives around and do something positive. No, buying a big ass SUV is not what she had in mind. She wants you to lose weight and get into shape. And when you have reached the goal your mother has set, you get the money.
However, in the mean time, in order to keep you focused, she has taken out a little insurance on both of you. Do you recall Johnny the last time you stayed at Mom’s and how you got so wasted and how the nice man in the gold BMW with the gold wheels and gold tooth drove you home? And how you were so sick that you threw up all over mom’s white carpet? And did mom yell or carry on? Did she slap you silly or tell you to grow up and move out in the morning? No, of course not. She cleaned you up and tucked you into your bed and when she leaned over to kiss you good night, you threw up all over mom again.
She wants you to know that the smell of puke was so bad that she threw out all her clothes and had the house fumigated and sterilized. She wants you to know the little black book that fell out your pocket is now in her safety deposit box at the bank. She thought you might want to know she was impressed with all the friends you know. And how much each of those friends owes you. She was a little troubled about the references to drugs but knows you would never do anything, which was illegal. She will just keep the book until you meet your goal. She thinks you might want to meet your goal quickly so you can begin making collections.
And missy, mom has always had a soft spot in her heart for you. Yes, she knows you think that your brother is mom’s favorite. Mom is a little concerned about your buying habits. No, not like your brother’s buying habits. Mom wants to know how it is that you can afford such nice clothes on your salary. And that car. That car must have cost you a fortune! Mom says you can drop the act about working at the local pizza place. She camped out there for three straight weeks and not once did you show up for work. Mom was impressed how quickly you landed another job after quitting the circus. Mom had a good laugh, when a couple of your so-called male friends called for a good time. Mom politely told them that you were working late at the pizza place and you would be home around 11 P.M. Mom found the red book you were hiding in the back of the closet under the six gross of rainbow condoms. She liked the condoms with the ribs. She said something like she wished your dad had used the ribbed one on her. Mom was doing her weekly cleaning and happened to stumble on your stash. She would never have found the book but it is her house and she is just a nosey old woman. Yes, she said you would understand. She is a little concerned that the mayor and chief of police have three stars next to their names. And that Dr. Wilson has one star. Mom thought you always liked Doc Wilson a lot and she can’t understand why you would only give him one star!
Mom said you would know about stars. She used to give you stars when you were a good girl. Mom suspects you are a very good girl who knows how to make men feel good about themselves. She knows what you do. She tells friends, you volunteer for the local welcome wagon and all her friends think this is a good thing. Mom says your secret is safe with her, for now. There goes your upper lip again. And it is quivering a little now. Are you feeling okay? You’re looking a little flushed. Was it something I said?
Why don’t you sit down and take a couple of deep breaths. Mom said you used to do the same thing when you were younger. But all this is going to change, starting right now.
I am not here because of my health. Your lovely mother has hired me to make sure you both turn your lives around. She is not going to be around forever. No, I’m sorry but having her stuffed and put in the corner is not an option. She wants you to stop stuffing your faces.
Mom wants both of you to be happy and healthy. Eating right and exercising would certainly help. Mom thinks your lines of work might put more stress on each of you than you need. Mom said I should tell you that today is the first day of the rest of your lives. She also said that if you two don’t start eating right and exercising at least three times a week, she is going to burn the money on the gas grill in her back yard and invite the neighbors over for a barbecue.
We are going to do this because you both love your mother and frankly you want the money. Yes, I did say money. Mom knows what makes her son and daughter happy. So I am going to make sure you are happy. My meaning of happy and your meaning of happy might not have the same meaning.
Chapter 1 The Grocery Store
Mom wants me to give you a little instruction into eating better. She said I could be imaginative. She said I had free rein. We are going to the grocery store. I want each of you to get a grocery cart. Yes, those are the carts with wheels on them. No, they are not the baskets you hold in your arm. That little basket will never hold everything you are going to purchase today.
This is the fruit and vegetable area. This is a banana. Missy, I’m sure you have seen bananas bigger than these. Are you blushing? I don’t know why. No, I don’t think your brother gets it. Let’s just keep this between us. It will be our little, sorry big secret. A banana is a very good for you. A medium sized banana gives your body a nice supply of vitamins and minerals. And the banana can be used as a meal. Yes, missy, I’m sure you know how to swallow a banana but for this banana, you will need to chew it. Then you swallow it. Your brother still has not caught on to the idea of the banana. No, I don’t think you need to show him what we mean, at least not here in a public place. What you do behind closed doors is your business.
Fruit is good for you. It helps you to maintain your energy. Yes, too much of anything is not good for you. In your line of work, Missy, you need to keep your energy up. Yes and your men friends need to keep up with you as well. If any of them are having trouble keeping up with you, you might suggest they eat some fruit.
Eating certain kinds of fruit is perhaps frowned on. You look a little confused. Have you ever heard of certain men being called fruits? I see you understand.
As for your clients, up is better than down. I realize you get paid either way. Yes, there is a chance that you clients could stay up for a while. I understand a handful of ice placed at a particular junction will cause a decrease in being up. But you probably already know that. But you won’t have to work so hard at getting them up if they have energy. And frankly if they are healthy and then, achieve their goal, then you can perhaps have more clients per evening. And you thought that fruit was just something you played with. Try sharing strawberries with a friend. Or perhaps dipping the strawberry in a favorite, mmm, spot. No, I won’t leave it there for any length of time. Of course, you need to make sure the strawberry is washed very well before dipping it. You don’t need to develop any problems. And for goodness sake, don’t use the strawberry or any other fruit for dipping if you are allergic to them. Problems breathing are not what you want to experience while dipping or eating your fruit. Heavy breathing is okay if it accompanies certain activities, which you might be doing at the time.
Johnny, this is an apple. When was the last time you ate an apple? It was that long ago? Okay, that does not matter because the apple is your friend. This apple can be used in ways you never knew existed. Eat it, bake it Stew it. Fry it, throw it at someone. Missy, was he always this slow? He does not appear to be getting any of what I am telling him.
Chapter 2
Lettuce not forget vegetables
Johnny, what vegetables do you eat? Take your time. No, I’m not rushing you. Do I appear to be impatient with you? Well, you have not yet answered me. My question is not that hard. When was the last time you picked out a juicy steak tomato and sliced it into thick pieces? Then slathering two pieces of freshly baked bread with hot mustard; you heaped the bread with your fresh fruit. Again, Johnny, you have that look. Okay, I threw you a curve ball. Tomatoes are fruits although most people think of them as vegetables.
Missy, has he ever been diagnosed with having episodes of zero brain activity? Not sure? I’ll make a note of it and ask dear old mom when I check in with her. Now missy, what veggies have you had recently? Vegetable juice is a start but anything else? Any salads, recently? Haven’t any of your dates taken you to dinner? You charge how much for being taken for dinner? I had no idea! Does dinner include desert? For whom? What if your date wants to take you to a cafeteria? Oh, you don’t do cafeterias. I should have known.
Veggies are your friends. Why? Good question. Do either of you smoke or drink? What vitamin pills have you had in the last week? Missy, I know you drink. Mom found the little bottles in your closet, in the shoes from Paris. Mom asked me to ask you, don’t those shoes with the high needle heels and the small toe box hurt your feet? But mom was impressed with the number of pilots you know. And the notations for the mile high club. She was a little worried that there may not have been enough other pilots flying the plane. She saw the yellow highlighted areas, which read, ‘two for the price of one.’ Mom knows there is something called auto pilot but mom still worries.
Mom cross-referenced the cell numbers of your flying friends with the International Wives of Pilots association. She has all the names and phone numbers of the wives and girl friends of the pilots you have been seeing. She knows it’s not your fault. But missy, you do need to keep your hormones in check.
Mom said there is nothing like too insurance. By the way, do you have any medical insurance? No, I’m not talking about the two dentists, four OB guys, the radiologist, five plastic surgeons; you have red stars next to. We both know they are more than friends, don’t we?
Mom realizes you are very resourceful and if you need medical help, you will find someone to care for you. Mom thinks you should have real medical insurance. Yes, you will have to pay with your own money. Mom wants you to find an insurance company and start paying monthly premiums. She also wants you to send her a copy of your check and premium statement. She said you don’t have to but if you want any part of the money, you will do what mom wants.
Hold that look, while I snap a picture of your face. Your lip is up!
As for the insurance thing, mom wants you to know she has friends in the insurance industry. Not that you would ever cheat on mom or say you did something and didn’t do it. She knows the CEOs of all the big companies. They all play bridge together and every third Friday they play strip poker. She has pictures to prove it. Yes, it is a little disgusting. But mom says she has never lost more than her shoes. Your mother showed me quite a collection of pictures of everyone on the board of the insurance companies. She said you might even know some of the board members through your job. Mom showed me your little book, which by the way is nicely indexed. Mom and I both noted the five stars next to some of her bridge friends. Mom was a bit surprised you had given them five stars since their bridge playing is only worth a one star.
Johnny, I need you to concentrate. When was the last time you ate any vegetables? If it was when you were a little guy living at home, then that is way to long ago! What do you care, you ask? Have you forgotten your mom’s gift to you? Johnny, look at me. I’m over here. I need you to really concentrate. Mom says that you need to stop sampling all the drugs. What drugs, you say? You’re kidding right? Mom took your urine sample to a friend of hers’. You don’t want to know how she got the sample. Her friend was amazed you can still stand and think.
Mom would hate to visit you in jail. But unless you follow her game plan, she wants you to know there will be lots of guys in the slammer, who will find you kind of cute.
Johnny, you don’t want to know what guys do to cute guys. Ask your sister. I’m sure she will gladly tell you in graphic terms.
Missy, whisper in your brothers ear and tell him what guys do in prison for friendship. I’ll just stand over there, out of earshot.
I have never in my life, seen someone turn green and then white, quite that fast. No Johnny, I have never been in prison and if I have my way, I will never have the pleasure of entering one either. Do you think mom is going to keep her mouth shut forever? No, I don’t think having your mother taken out by some of your friends is a good idea. Yes, I know what you mean by being taken out. Your sister is taken out a lot but she is taken out for other reasons. Your drug problem could become a major issue for you. You can either turn your life around as your mother has requested or she can open her mouth at the weekly card meetings. I’m quite sure that some of the card players know judges and cops. Imagine what would happen if mom, after a couple of glasses of red wine (good for the heart) began to speak of your drug business. And then the next day, she would read about you and your drug business and mom would not be able to recall a thing about the night before. Then her friends would call and ask if you could give them samples, because they had only heard about drugs but never really used them. The county police would stake out your mother’s house and the feds begin to rummage through the trash. The newspapers and television would send camera crews to set up shop across the street. Your friends in your collection book would move out of the state and change their names. Then what would you do for money? Then your suppliers would send some friends over to take you out and it would not be because they liked you.
It’s your turn missy. Mom knows there is a very healthy woman somewhere in you. And she is betting you can find it. Mom thinks it would a shame if all your friends I you little black books heard you had some disease. Word would travel like a brush fire during the dry season and your business would take a nosedive. Mom loves to cruise the Internet. She found an interesting site with full descriptions of gross looking social diseases. As a public service the site offers a listing of persons who are known carriers of these diseases. Mom said that one phone call or a couple of keystrokes and your name would be known all over the world. Mom thinks that you would prefer to be known for other things and not the carrier of a disease, which causes some extremities to fall off.
Johnny, get your sister a chair. She looks as if she is going to pass out. No, I don’t think she is pregnant. Here missy, drink this. No it’s not poison. It’s hot chocolate. Just like mom used to make. Don’t you remember when both had played out in the snow all day and mom had called you to come inside? And mom helped you out of your cute little snow suits with the zipper that would always stick, especially when you really needed to pee. And after you had shed all your clothes and were wrapped in a warm blanket, mom would give each of you a nice warm cup of hot cocoa. Today, mom asked me to add something to yours. There you go again; thinking mom wants to oft you. You mom is a very loving woman who only wants the best for her kids. Mom told me to add some Irish whiskey. Now, don’t you just feel awful, thinking that your mother would want to kill you off? Actually she did give me specific instructions in case you did not want to cooperate. Sorry, I am not at liberty to divulge those procedures. But I can assure you; they will not be pleasant. No, I don’t get anything extra for roughing you up. Besides, Missy, you would not look very pretty when I was done with your face. Johnny, there is not much more I can do to your face that has not been done. But I couple of swift kicks in private places will make you wish you had listened to me. Oh my gosh, but you both look white as ghosts. Was it something I said? Mom is not paying me to kill you guys off. I get a bonus if you both lose weight and firm up. Lets not think about what I can do to you but rather what you can do for yourselves. Now drink your cocoa before it gets too cold. Now, isn’t that much better? Feeling better? Yes, I‘m glad and I will report to your mother that you both drank your hot cocoa like good little boys and girls.
Okay Johnny and Missy, times a wasting. This store is not going to stay open forever. I want you each to get all the fixings for a salad while I wait here. Get everything, which goes into a salad. Of course there will be a prize for the first one back here.
What’s wrong kids? I realize you are both at the same display. Doesn’t anything look familiar to either of you? Missy, that’s a cucumber and yes it does have the shape and firmness of something you see everyday. And Johnny, that’s a carrot. Mom said you used to love carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, and cabbage. It was not that long ago that mom would make you salads. But I guess the drugs you claim you have not been taking have caused some memory loss. Now pick one each of everything I just described. Good, now off to the canned aisle. This is a can of kidney beans. Yes, you can eat and even put beans in your salad. Beans are an excellent source of protein. Do either of you eat tuna or salmon? Great, so put a couple of cans of fish into your carts. A bottle of virgin olive oil, a bottle of vinegar, dried cranberries and we have all the fixings for a salad.
No, sorry we are done yet. The salad is only the beginning. This is the frozen food section. I want each of you to select three packages of brussel sprouts, spinach, green beans, broccoli, and carrots. And put them in your carts. As for desert, select bags of frozen fruit. No more sweet cookies or pastries for you. Donuts are out. Ice cream will be okay once a month. No turned up lips from either of you. If you want something sweet, get yourself a sugar daddy. Sorry, Missy. I just had to say that! Frozen fruit mixed with yogurt will be just fine. If you have a blender, add a cupful of fruit, yogurt, with a handful of ice cubes and swirl it until it is smooth and thick. No, it will not taste as sweet as a donut or a pint of ice cream but it will not settle around your waist. Did I forget to tell you, fried foods are out as well? All that fried crap you’ve been shoveling into your mouth settles on your waist and in your arteries. Mom does not know why neither of you has had a heart attack. If you don’t have a heart attack, you will have a stroke or just drop dead. If you’re dead, Missy, you aren’t bringing the money home. But if your mother has her way and you actually listen to her through me, you will each have lots of money to buy new toys.
Remember that if you don’t eat all your vegetables and everything else that is good for you, mom will burn her money in the back yard and you won’t get a damn thing. Do eat all the things that are good for you, not because mom is holding a golden carrot over your head but because eating them will make you stronger, smarter, prettier and you do want to change your lives. Do it or else, mom says.
Enough with the veggies, lets move on to the dairy aisle. Milk is your friend or if milk gives you gas, get lactose free milk. Milk is a food. Yes, it is. Look it up in the dictionary. Proteins, vitamins, and minerals are the building blocks for a healthy body. Ever see the milk commercials on the tube? Cheeses are good in moderation. Eat a cup of cottage cheese or low fat plain yogurt with a half of cup of shredded wheat or granola for breakfast. Add a sliced piece of fruit and a half-cup of milk and you have a great energy packed breakfast! This sort of breakfast will not let you down like eating a breakfast of to donuts and cup of coffee. Donuts offer very little food value. I don’t care what the wrapper says; donuts are not part of the food chain. Next time you are thinking of biting into a donut, read the side panel of the box or cello bag. See how many calories and grams of fat are packed into each sugarcoated piece of pastry. then look at the waist lines of people who are buying this kind of breakfast. Yes, you have a choice. Eat better and exercise and get your lives back in order or lose the chance to have a shitload of money handed to you. Plain yogurt does take a little getting used to. Plain yogurt does not have the sugar and calories. Reduce calories and sugar and you get closer to your money Unflavored yogurt takes a little getting used to but look at it this way, you have no choice. Sorry, you do have a choice. Lose weight and gain money. Not lose weight and lose money. If I were you, I would learn to love the unflavored yogurt, very fast.
No, you don’t have to eat yogurt for the rest of your lives. There is cottage cheese as well. But from experience I can tell you the unsalted, low fat cottage cheese. You can try adding dried blue berries, apples, or some almonds to your morning breakfast. Nuts are okay. No, I don’t have nuts for brains. I’m trying to help you guys change your lives.
If you grow tired of yogurt or cottage cheese, try some toasted whole wheat bread with some reduced fat peanut butter. The fresh ground peanut butter is okay if it is warm. However, it tends to stick to the roof of your mouth and does not slide down your throat very well. Make sure you have water or milk nearby or have a friend ready to call 911.
A bagel you say. You want one, are you aware that one bagel equals five slices of bread?
Yes, I’ sure of it. Your mother showed me the article on the web.
Water is not just for Scotch.
Okay, listen up you two. How much water do you drink each day? No, I don’t want you to figure in the coffee or tea. And certainly not the beers or wines. How many glasses of plain old tap or bottled water do you drink?
Well. That’s what I thought.
“Missy, are those crow feet under your eyes? Here look in the mirror. Yes, those are crowfeet starting right there. However, if you want to get rid of those little feet, try drinking some more h20. No, I’m not 100% sure if water is the answer but I can tell you that your skin needs water to survive. And if you are not getting enough water, your skin is going to look old and dry. And missy if you don’t care for your skin now, imagine how many customers are going to go elsewhere. You still are young enough to do something before its too late.
Although I don’t condone your using drugs, you’re not right? Water will help your body rid itself of nasty toxins. I whole idea is to drink before you are thirsty. Unlike dogs or cats who know when to drink, humans need to drink throughout the day. We usually will only drink when we are thirsty. Drinks which have caffeine cause the body to lose more water. Sure these drinks perk you up in the morning or whenever but they do not usually stay with you. Water will quench your thirst and keep you healthy. Alcoholic drinks will also deplete your body of vital vitamins and minerals. Too much of anything is not good for you. Johnny, I’m talking to you. Ease up on the drugs, you’re not using! Mom knows you have drugs in your body. She has the lab results to prove it.
To be continued
posted by Art Garroway @ 11:58 AM
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